Once upon a time there was a boy named TPG, aka WP, aka, BRJ, who loved to see things explode on the silver screen. Coke and popcorn, candy (preferably SPKs) and some preemo seating in a large stadium seating theater and I'm good. But now, something has changed in my soul, there's a movie coming out this summer that features in no particular order: aliens, robots, explosions, building destruction, battleships, water, babes, alien mech suits, tropical jungles, Liam Neeson, end of the world scenarios, rastafai accents, slow down speed up camera techniques, oceanic mysteries, a connection to Transformers, spaceships, scary eye blinks ("Jurassic Park" son), force field barriers, alien whip technology, and finally the almighty collapsing bridge. And I'm not interested. Oh yeah, it's called "Battleship." And it's based off a board game.
Well, I shouldn't say that, maybe with good enough reviews and a relentless marketing blitz, I literally will have no choice to but to see this film, but I'm not there yet. The first thing that is a giant red flag for me, is that this trailer is trying, pleading, screaming, dubstepping, begging, pleading (did I already say) to connect this film to "Transformers," which is the gold standard for mindless summer destruction and special FX wonder. Well let me tell ya something, if you aint got Optimus Prime being a brutal patriotic ass kicking robot battling with other robots (who are also cars/jets/stereos/slightly racist) than don't waste my time.
And then there's the board game thing. While in the past I have defended the remake,reboot, reshoot, prequel, sequel bananan fo mequel attitude in the business, basing a movie based off a board game is tough. In fact, I dread/eagerly anticipate the "you sunk my battleship" line that everyone knows is going to be in there somewhere. I mean I would be way more into this movie if it had a different title, after all I dragged half my family to see "Battle: LA" and that movie was a video game disguised as a film. "Battleship," born out of a ridiculous Hasbro/Universal licensing deal, seems to represent films as the bottom line for a corporation more than any film that came before it, and that makes me uncomfortable and slightly sad. Yeah Yeah Yeah I know "Transformers" is basically the same shit, but I trust Michael Bay and I don't trust "Battleship" director Peter Berg, cause let's be honest, "Hancock" is no "Bad Boys II."
Maybe I'm wrong, perhaps this movie will be the 21st century "Independence Day" it really wants to be, but for now this movie is position to be highly successful at making me transition to slightly more sophisticated blockbuster fare. You know ones. The sequel with the superheroes, the prequel with the humans fighting aliens, the sequel with the AARP action squad, the superhero reboot, the super hero three-quel. And with that line up, it looks like I don't have to grow up just yet.