August 13, 2009

Alien movies that messed me up as a child.

In honor of the upcoming "District 9" I have decided to reflect back on the aliens of my youth. You see, scary ass aliens from movies giving me nightmares was as much as part of my childhood as being terrible at baseball (I was kicked off my T-Ball team). There was almost a routine to it; my mother would go out for the night and I would sit down and watch a Sci-Fi (aka bloodthirsty alien flick) with my Pops and brothers. And let my clarify while a majority of these flicks were terrifying, they all were mind meltingly awesome and shaped me into the man I am today.

This movie sparked an intense action figure collecting spree with my brother Joe Francis that lasted for at least a year, two years if you include Predator action figures. But man, this is the one alien flick that really rips your chest open or melts your face off with the acid blood. Everything about these modafuckas is terrifying. Let's go through their life cycle.

-Face hugger lays eggs in your tummy by sticking tail down your throat
-Baby alien bursts out of your stomach like a demon jack in the box
-Alien terrorizes and kills your buddies in a cold spaceship that metaphorically reflects the dangers of space industrialization.
-Space Marines/Ripley/Bishop kill it but not definitely cause there needs to be a sequel.

I didn't even mention the ability to climb on any surface, diamond dagger teeth, huge pointed tail, or acid blood.

What these bad guys lack in intelligence they make up in up in sheer volume. Not to say these things weren't dangerous, I mean look at that clip, lots of people getting diced up, but they seem just a little too killable. My dudes Johnny Rico and NPH quickly found out that they were actually very susceptible to death and continually dispatched them over the course of two lackluster sequels.

Ehhhhhhh mon, the dreadlocked rasta mon indergalatic bounty hunter brah. Weapons include but are not limited to spears, shoulder mountain cannon, retractable blades mounted on his hands, and some really sweet dreads. Yet despite all of this, every movie since the first one has been terrible. Here's hoping his new reboot will deliver the goods.

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